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Commander USA's Groovie Movies (Videos, ~1985-1989)

Starring Commander USA, retired superhero turned host of cheesy movies. You can watch various episodes here.

You can read articles about the show here, here, here, here and here.

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I miss these days. :(

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Click the picture for a rare treat, a playlist near and dear to my heart that was a HUGE part of my childhood growing up in the 80′s. Enjoy the schlock!

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Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

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--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

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--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

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"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.* 2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

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--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

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The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

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Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.* 3 stars

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Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

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--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

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"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

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Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.* 2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).* 3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

0 notes

Xbox One Backwards CompatibleList as of 02/12/2019

A

A Kingdom for Keflings

A World of Keflings

ACE COMBAT™ 6: Fires of Liberation™

Aegis Wing

Age of Booty

Alan Wake

Alan Wake’s American Nightmare

Alice: Madness Returns

Alien Hominid HD

Aliens vs Predator

Altered Beast

Anomaly Warzone Earth

Aqua

ARKANOID Live!

Army of Two

Assassin’s Creed II

Assassin’s Creed Revelations

Assassin’s Creed

Assassin’s Creed III

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin’s Creed® IV

Assassin’s Creed® Liberation HD

Assassin’s Creed® Rogue

Assault Heroes 2

Asteroids & Deluxe

Astropop

Axel & Pixel

B

Babel Rising

Band of Bugs

Banjo Kazooie

Banjo Kazooie: N n B

Banjo Tooie

Batman: Arkham Origins

BattleBlock Theater

Battlefield 1943™

Battlefield 3™

Battlefield Bad Co.

Battlefield: Bad Co. 2

Battlestations Pacific

Battlestations: Midway

BAYONETTA

Beat’n Groovy

Bejeweled 2

Bejeweled 3

Bellator: MMA Onslaught

Beyond Good & Evil HD

Bionic Commando Rearmed 2

Bioshock

Bioshock 2

Bioshock Infinite

BLACK™

Blazing Angels

Blinx: The Time Sweeper

Blood Knights

Blood of the Werewolf

Bloodforge

BloodRayne 2

BloodRayne: Betrayal

Blue Dragon

Bomberman Battlefest

Boom Boom Rocket

Borderlands

Borderlands 2

Bound by Flame

Braid

Brain Challenge™

Brave: The Video Game

Breakdown

Brütal Legend

Bullet Soul

Bullet Soul -Infinite Burst-

Bully: Scholarship Ed

Burnout Paradise

Burnout Revenge

C

Cabela’s Dangerous Hunts 2013

Cabela’s Alaskan Adventures

Cabela’s Hunting Expeditions

Cabela’s Survival: SoK

Call of Duty® 2

Call of Duty® 3

Call of Duty® 4: Modern Warfare®

Call of Duty®: Black Ops

Call of Duty®: Black Ops II

Call of Duty®: Ghosts

Call of Duty®: Modern Warfare® 2

Call of Duty®: World at War

Call of Juarez 2

Call Of Juarez : The Cartel

Call of Juarez® Gunslinger

CAPCOM ARCADE CABINET

Carcassonne

Cars 2: The Video Game

Cars: Mater-National

Castle Crashers

Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse

Castlestorm

Castlevania LoS

Castlevania: LoS – Mirror of Fate HD

Castlevania: LoS 2

Castlevania: SOTN

Catherine

Centipede & Millipede

Child of Eden

Civilization Revolution

Civilization Revolution

COD: Advanced Warfare

Comic Jumper

Comix Zone

Commaders: Attack

Command and Conquer 3: Kane’s Wrath

Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars

Command and Conquer Red Alert 3

Command and Conquer Red Alert 3: Commander’s Challenge

Condemned

Conker: Live & Reloaded

Contra

Costume Quest 2

Counter-Strike: GO

Crackdown

Crazy Taxi

Crimson Skies®: High Road to Revenge™

Crysis

Crysis 2

Crysis 3

CRYSTAL DEFENDERS™

Crystal Quest

D

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Yosumin! LIVE

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Zoe HD

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15 notes · View notes

Ultimate Retro Beach Party (2011)

Thanks again for supporting I-Mockery.com by getting one (or more) of our limited edition prints in the "Four Seasons of Pixels" series!!

First off, we have the "Ultimate Retro Beach Party" pixel poster map.

Source: I-Mockery

(image via DeviantArt)

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Remember there was a time when the USA Network was awesome!

Night Flight (1981-1988)

Commander USA's Groovie Movies (1985-1989)

USA Saturday Nightmares (1986-1994)

USA Up All Night (1989-1998)

26 notes · View notes

Vol. 12

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

---------- Everything Is Terrible:

*Skittles Commercial 1989: A beach slob is out of luck at a not-so-sexy French beach in an animated skittles ad from France.* 2 stars

*The BAR-B-Q-GURU!: Basic grilling techniques (for example: use a whole bottle of lighter fluid) by a broke ass middle aged black dude.* 1 star

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Behind the Music: From scarfing pizza to snorting ants with Ozzy. Not really. More like a pathetic attempt by corporate America to exploit dumb kids and dumb parents.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars (for proof of said b.s.)

*Cowabunga! can do great things: Say something stupid, and feel good.* 2 1/2 stars

*Call Me Fantasy: Unintentionally awkward hardcore-phone-sex commercial.* 3 stars

------------------------

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Longhair and Doubledome - Good Wheel Hunting: Pre-historic odd couple.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Utica Cartoon: A bear gets in over his head in a all you can eat without paying (as long as you can eat them) hot dog bargain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Yee Haw & Doo Dah - Bronco Breakin Boots: Yosemite Sam-esque cowboy and his talking horse are squatters in Central Park.* 2 stars

--------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke Goes Ballooning *Over the rainbow and into the magical land of unicorns (not uniHorns) and Asian sluts.* close to 3 stars

----- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Barbarella

*Drive In Totals: 14 dead bodies - 1 vicious parakeet attack - 1 Roman orgy - 1 portable brainwave detector - Shag carpeted spaceship - 2 crash landings - 1 giant rubber stingray 1 vicious biting sharp toothed doll attack - demonic children - flower eating - sea through man - flying pod attack with fireballs - 1 burning outer space city - Snowball Fu - Green Laser Fu - and finally the Famous Lovemaking Tube

*TNT NFL Sunday Night Football commercial featuring New England Patriots' then quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Seems like ages ago before Tom Brady dominated the sports news media.

*Joe Bob talks about how the two sci blockbusters of 1968 were Barbarella and 2001. He says that critics wanted to call this one "2002: a Space Idiocy." HA!

*Jane Fonda is a terrible actress. Really terrible.

*Hippie / progressive logic is vomit enducing. "Free love" in this movie is made so confusing and non-fun.

*WCW "Rage in the Cage" FallBrawl commercial featuring Jim "The Anvil" (I believe)

*Joe Bob says this movie is like "Dante's Inferno meets Disney on Ice." Ha

*Hey, 90s business professional lady, don't be afraid of new technology. Get a Nokia cell phone with car lighter adapter for only $9.99. Offer good through 9/30/97

*Joe Bob's advice to the hopeless: talk of lesbos with the very sexy Reno the Mail Girl and Joe Bob helps deliver a viewer's baby (not literally, of course).

*Jane Fonda saves the galaxy by being as silly acting as possible and having softcore, no nudity no action, sex with every humanoid alien she meets.

1 star for the movie (It's more up Joel Schumacher's and Tim Burton's campy alley than mine.) between 1 1/2 and 2 stars for the commercials and 3 stars for Joe Bob's hosting

-----------------

The Greatest American Hero: My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys *Poncho and Lefty.* 3 stars

Manimal: Scrimshaw *I am the walrus (literally).* either 1 star or between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

U.S.S. Alabama (Unaired FX network pilot) *Obviously this was gonna be Reno 911 meets Star Trek, and that's exactly what you get. Poking fun at the genre's tropes and adding the humorous element of inter-galactic govt. red tape getting in the way of space adventuring.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (The hit or miss ad-libbing is probably why this series never got picked up.)

----- TV CARNAGE:

*The Unfriendliest Town In America: "Can you help me out, buddy?" BAM! Knee the person asking you that in the groin.* 3 stars

*Stripping Lessons From The Insecure: You need a book about striptease allure from a lady that doesn't even feel sexy herself.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sad Sex Sillys!: Uncomfortable advice and uncomfortable laughter.* 1 star

*No More Free Blow Chobs: RICK, she's not some kind of oral sex machine. Stop coming into her dorm room and getting completely naked, while she's in the other room getting erotic candles for the two of you, you horny frat boy you.* 2 1/2 stars

*You Call This Relaxing: Neo-Nazis crucifying another Neo-Nazi* 2 stars

----------------------------------------

---Commander USA's Groovie Movies: CHUD

*For those not familiar with Commander USA, he's a tv movie host from the 80s. He looks like The Comedian from The Watchmen (he predates him, I believe) but he's more like a street wise version of Mr. Rogers. He likes to paint his right hand up with a smiley face, using ashes from his cigar butt, call it "Lefty" and talk to it like a sidekick friend. It's weird and almost painfully unfunny at times, but this is an afternoon, if I'm correct, movie show and not something late night like Joe Bob. Though, Svengoolie uses a lot of cheesy humor on his near-late night monster movie show.*

*Carefree bubble gum commercial. "Now with more flavor than ever." Was it sort of bland before? Were they holding back on the flavor? In the ad, a lot of very active and olympic level folk were blowing bubbles while performing. I can't picture people of the 20 Tens fitness culture even chewing any kind of gum. It's probably not gluten free, anyway.*

*An awesome USA network preview commercial for "Night Flight" "Where would your weekend be without it?" 11 pm eastern 10 pm central. Cool music videos and shorts. Generation X laments for MTV's glory days, well these other cable channels' attempts at MTV style programming were just as good, if not better.*

*Christopher Lee and Joan Collins in "Dark Places" TONIGHT 8pm on USA's Saturday Nightmares I'm tearing up thinking about how good old school cable used to be. Now, they'd probably have a four hour block of a reality show or a forensic detective show or a douchebag movie featuring The Rock, and never in a million years program a horror / mystery movie block followed by late night music videos and animated short films and stand up comedy. You sat in your acid washed jeans and watched this with only your remote, a bowl of popcorn, and a Pepsi. You didn't have an iphone, snapchat, twitter, facebook, netflix, redbox new releases only (barf), hulu, game of thrones, orange is the new black, pandora, real housewives of the kardashians, kanye west butchering bohemian rhapsody. We lived in ye good ole days.*

*One of the "Wet Bandits" from Home Alone is here in the 1980s NYC running a soup kitchen for the homeless. What a difference a decade and meeting Goodfella Joe Pesci makes.*

*Kolchak the Nightstalker would be right at home in this movie's environment. In fact, they have a haggard looking, snooping reporter who's almost a version of him.*

*Commander USA is carving meats for his footlong sandwich right after the scene where the photographer / hero goes down into the underground, with his homeless pal, and checks up on the injured homeless guy's chewed up and festering leg. Ewww. Ha.*

*An 80s nerd is playing bomber pilot in the mirror as he treats his zits with Oxy 10. He's so obnoxious, he deserves leprosy. However, I do miss uncool 80s teenagers who weren't afraid to be uncool.*

*Nabisco Brands logo on a BabyRuth commercial featuring two good looking male and female models in BabyRuth logo letter jackets. One: the Nabisco logo of the 80s gave off some kind of hypnotic feel good illuminatti trance vibe. Must love this corporate brand. Two: Why do they always show chocolate being poured in its melty form? The candy bar is gonna be solid and only melted if it's in your ass pocket and you sit on it or leave it on the dash of your car. Hot, melty chocolate is so damn much better it's like crack was in the 80s. More subliminal, chocolatey, illuminatti shit.*

*A 1-800 number ad featuring feel good American craftsmanship, sportsmanship, patriotism... uh ship and other propaganda for joining the National Rifle Association of America. The 80s were conservative as fuck, motherfucker. Have your VISA or MasterCard ready for your $20 NRA member baseball cap and 10,000 dollars worth of "accidental death" insurance with the NRA. Because you will kill yourself or a loved one or a hunting buddy. It's your 2nd amendment right.*

*Commander USA parodies the scene where the little girl is traumatized after her dad gets jerked out of a phone both by a C.H.U.D. Commander USA uses a blow up doll in his own personal phonebooth to re-enact the scene. Kind of black humor on the part of the old Commander. This was a sort of family friendly afternoon movie show with a basic cable edit of the film, and here they still mix in some bleak humor. Gotta love the 80s. They would not even show this kind movie in the afternoon on basic cable anymore. Sure, SYFY shows monster movies on Saturday afternoons, but they don't show 80s monster movies. They show 2000s crapfests and Asylum mock monster horror shitfests.*

*A yuppie couple is playing their morning game of tennis. The husband is sluggish because he didn't have his Kellog's Branflakes, while the wife is running circles around him. Yes, he didn't have his morning dump, and she did. These ads were effectively satirized in the 90s when Saturday Night Live did their "Colon Blow" cereal commercials.*

*AT&T wants to help 80s, pre internet business communications, small businesses become more successful. Sure, a big corporation really just wanted money like they always would. Truth is they'd like to merge with other super corporations and make the six headed corporate dragon of the apocalypse and suck the souls out of every small business, small business owner, and slug citizen of the global economic slavepit like a high speed slurpee.

*Roger Clemens lip-syncs in a non-redneck voice and gets naked behind a towel (for 80s chicks who wanted to see that. Surprised that he was ever considered a hunk. But whatever) in a "Zestfully Clean" ad. Cheesy, and wouldn't have been my brand of soap in the 80s, but nowhere near as obnoxious and off putting as modern Old Spice soap or Axe body wash.*

*Chef Dom Deluise doesn't wanna say goodbye to his Summer vegetables, as he sings a song to them about saying goodbye, in a Ziploc freezer bag commercial. He really needed to spend less time in the kitchen singing to food. R.I.P. Dom Deluise. He's dead, right?*

*Capn Lou Albano has to be dragged off screen in his 1-800 talk wrestling phone ad. Rejects from The Village People bust into his living room and do this, for some reason. There had to be some moron to call this number and listen to Lou ramble incoherently about Luigi and Jimmy Superfly Snuka.*

*"Dream Away" overnight weight loss tablets. I'm guessing these 1980s biggest losers sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons in their dreams and all those fat cells just drifted away down into their waterbeds. Every moron in the 80s had a waterbed.*

*In the 80s, it took a magician named "Blackstone" and a series of motivational cassette tapes to get people to stop smoking. No one ever smoked after this and those annoying TRUTH ads featuring dying smoking victims talking out of their neckholes, that you have to hurry and look away as you flip the channel during dinner, never took place. What a wonderful alternate reality we live in.*

*C.H.U.D. and They Live would and probably has made a great double feature. Both have themes of the govt not caring about the people on the bottom level of society.*

*Another reason why this is a great movie is they're taking their sweet time to build up the tension of really getting a good look at the monsters. Sure, we've had glimpses of them. But nothing really lingers on them. It's all quick edits. When they finally show themselves to the people of New York, and the movie viewer, it will be worth the payoff. If this were a SYFY Asylum mock-monster-mock-movie we'd already had seen the shitty CGI croco-cerebus-cheetah in the first five minutes when it devours Caitlyn Jenner.*

*This movie also meets Joe Bob Briggs' rule of any good horror movie which is "Anybody can die at anytime." And they do, there, in the sewers of NYC in C.H.U.D.*

*Get Dianetics at Waldenbooks. The pseudo-psychology pseudo-religion selfhelp zeitgeist of 80s yuppies.*

*One more inspid bit of 80s propaganda by conservative Ronald Reagan America and corporate America: They would have "By Mennen" ads featuring babies and new moms with the 1950s tv mom standing over her shoulder giving her instructions on every "how to" and all the mother know how life advice she'd need. Basically saying, "Don't think for yourself. Make the 80s just like the good ole 50s."*

*"FDS Woman." Yes, ladies of the 80s used a huge aerosol can of feminine deodorant spray to keep their smelly vaginas in check, and that, coupled with their big hair, that needed to also be aerosol sprayed, is the reason that we have a hole in the ozone layer and now everyone has smelly genitals from the swamp crotch caused by a greenhouse gas oven climate that we all endure for most of the year.*

*There's no irony being noticed by anyone, here, that this movie that came out in the 80s and featured a plot about radioactive waste coming back to bite everyone in the ass is being shown on television, in the 80s, sandwiched in between all kinds of products that we have to destroy our bodies with using and our environment in making. Nope, none. Ha.*

*"Go back to sleep America. Your government is in control." -Bill Hicks*

*Nice government citywide coverup of the night of horrors and incident.*

*And a great cameo by John Goodman as a NYC cop in a greasy spoon diner, when the CHUDs show back up for the gotcha horror ending.*

*Commander USA puts on his trench coat and heads out the door after the credits roll.*

*The USA network voice over guy tells us to tune in tomorrow at noon for All American Wrestling featuring the voice talents of Mean Gene Okerlund. Can't get much more 80s than that.*

3 stars for the movie (even being on basic cable and edited) 2 1/2 stars for the Commander and finally either 1 star or close to 3 stars for the cheesy, despicable ads

----------------------------------------

---- Marc Summers' Mystery Magical Tour:

*For some reason Marc Summers is out on a stormy night, on a desolate road, after watching a movie with a group of kids, when his convertible gets a flat tire and he has no spare. One: that's just not responsible adult behavior, but what would you expect from the host of Double Dare. Two: Why is the top down when it's gonna rain? And where is this movie theater out on a winding mountain road right out of a David Lynch movie?

*The Addams Family's John Astin makes a cameo as a disgruntled magician, breaking the 4th wall and airing grievances, before quitting his magician job at a spooky, old dark house in the middle of nowhere.

*Guess who happens to pull in front of the house seeking help. Marc and kids.

*Of course, per requirement for a creepy mansion, no one is there to open the door and it is a case of just letting one's self in.

*It's gonna be Marc's own personal "Hotel California" as a creepy, gloved hand slides Marc's picture into the frame on the Now Appearing Act sign outside the mansion.

*Marc is proving why more game show hosts aren't asked to act. This is a labor of magician love, so he gets to star in his own pet project on Nickelodeon.*

*There's the old googly eyes behind the painting following around Marc and kids. A staple of old dark house horror.*

*Secret passageways and locked doors, spooky setting, ominous David Copperfield esque magician playing an old phonograph record using telepathy, but Are You Afraid of the Dark this ain't.*

*"Connect Four" singing faces commercial from the 1980s. Another awesome board game that caused many a sibling argument.*

*Johnny is the coolest 10 year old. He wears his jean jacket over his shoulders like a matador would wear a cape. Every kid in town has gathered to watch him take on Milton Bradley's Simon electronic guessing slap game.*

*The kids are running around without Marc who got disappeared into a skeleton in a phone booth. Now, the kids are pulling the old 3 Stooges "Knock it off" things happening behind the others backs routine.*

*Now, a maid has shown up to do a Carol Burnett mime routine. Sad and beautiful.*

*Lance Burton starts having a swashbuckling sword duel with the killer ghost character from Wes Craven's Scream.*

*The silky voiced and animated bear from the Golden Crisp commercial. Whatever became of him?*

*A Converse "Conasaur" commercial featuring pre-historic lizards from King Kong's Skull Island and the old black and white Lost World movie. Nice.*

*Tyco Dino-Riders toy commercial. Dinosaurs ruled the earth once again in the late 80s and early 90s and kids back then had awesome toys, cartoons, and movies to show for it.*

close to 2 1/2 stars for Marc, and kids, inside Lance's lunatic magician's mansion. close to 3 stars for the kid friendly retro ads

------------------------------------------

Twitch City: Killed By Cat Food *Art imitating life without merit. Without Hope. So, Curtis finally leaves the apartment and finds Hope, again.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Clean Butt: Hands free shitting experience that's very dignified.* 2 1/2 stars

*Disney World, One Kid's Opinion: Although the lines are long, it's worth it.* 1 star or 5 Mickeys according to this kid

*Exercise Awareness Week: "The Wu Tang Clan of exercise shows" featuring an 80 year old govt hating bible thumper.* 2 strange stars

*Inline Skating Is Fun: Wear a helmet or have a sweet ponytail to protect your fragile egg shell of a head.* 2 1/2 stars

*Memorial Day 2000: For the land of the free and the home of the show us your fuckin' tits!* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

---------------------------------------

Spicy City: An Eye For An Eye *Cyberspace better than the shark tank. Tragic song and dance in a chat room lounge.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: What Money Can't Buy *A sick kid needs the "Sultan of Detroit Swat," Robocop, to hit a homerun off of a curveball thrown by an organ snatcher.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (This show is at odds with itself. On one hand you have the clever Robocop style adult satire of society, and on the other it's a dumb, mainstream, early 90s, PG-action tv series with all the cliches and flaws of those kinds of series.)

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Roswell, New Mexico *"All Chinese look alike just like all aliens look alike." -Stanton Friedman, UFO expert.* close to 3 stars

Casey and Friends: Episode 10 "1989" *The setting is late in the 2000s decade. Some hipster-nerd teenagers find their dad's old VHS cam-corder and set out to parody 1980s era, "cool Christian" teens television shows that they still show on Saturday afternoons on the religious channels. Unfortunately, the "too kewl for Sunday school" teens come up short on the satire and humor.* either between zero and 1/2 a star or between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

----------- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: The Beast Within

*Joe Bob is all for mutant-insect sex with humans as long as it produces monster horror flicks.

*Drive In Totals: 16 dead bodies... 1 dead dog... Neck munching... Embalming needle through the chest... Electrocution... Disembowling... Head rolls.. Hand rolls..

*Joe Bob will be with the viewer all night for "all the insect sex info"

*Monster/murder/rape mystery and returning to a hicksploitation town where it happened

*Joe Bob knows about deep, dark southern mysteries involving can opener / electrical chord murders

*Yep, it's a strange one. Effeminite, elderly newspaper man patting out raw hamburger and flirting with the delivery boy who turns rabid and chomps on the raw flesh of the weirdo old man, killing him. Plus, Designing Women's man's man Meschach Taylor is one of the town's deputees. Ha.

*Joe Bob is making toy grasshoppers hump and questioning the strange, sexual tension of the movie. Like the romantic strolls, with a deranged redneck's daughter, by a swamp full of body parts.

*Joe Bob wants to know why adults can't watch innards, 'cause of censors, even after the midnite hour on Turner basic cable. I agree.

*Joe Bob threatens to go on Jerry Springer and air his complaints, because he loves the violence on that show.

*Being embalmed alive has to rank pretty high on the horror movie kill list hall of fame.

*The town drunk has figured out who the killer is, but the sheriff won't listen and tells him that he looks like "The high noon of a coon dog just leaving the swamp."

*The young lead/monster of this movie looks like John C. Reilly playing a teenage Dewey Cox / Lon Chaney Jr. Wolfman

*Joe Bob exclaims how Monstervision is better than Turner Classic movies, because instead of pointing out facts about Liz Taylor getting hickeys from lovers in 1957, he talks about dead Baptist ghosts in spooky Mississippi hospitals where they film horror flicks

*Joe Bob questions the logic of turning into a cicada monster that's never explained in the movie.*

close to 3 stars for the tv edit of the movie and 3 stars for Joe Bob

------------------------------------------------

---- John Candy in "Summer Rental" on AMC (American Movie Classics)

*National Lampoons Vacation comparisons, but Candy is more endearing than Chevy. His movie family, on the other hand, terrible... so far

*Stuck in a moving station wagon with a farting dog, yet this movie still is charming and nowhere near as bad as a 2000s era awful comedy with someone like Martin Lawrence or Adam Sandler taking their families on vacation.

*AMC is airing this Summer themed movie during the Christmas holidays, and showing a commercial for their upcoming Holiday hit movies. Bill Murray's Scrooged is gonna be ran for 24 hours straight. Who started this shit? I love Scrooged, I used to love a Christmas Story, Home Alone 1 & 2, and Christmas Vacation, but I'll be damn if they did not run these movies into the ground. 24 hours straight of the same movie is insane and enough to make fans start hating their favorite movies. They play Home Alone and Christmas Vacation every other day on cable starting around Thanksgiving up until Dec. 27. ENOUGH!

*Hallmark digital Holiday cards featuring the overused Charlie Brown song and more awful insurance ads guilting family's into life insurance. They're raking in the bucks off of sentimental feelings

*Shaq is sitting by a warm fireplace attempting to read a corporate Christmas story (buy our stuff!) to a bunch of multi-cultural tv commercial kids. How, sweet.... humbug

*Renters versus Owners. A Ronald Reagan type rich yuppie gets Haiwaiin shirt wearing John Candy's table at the fancy restaurant, after Candy waited forever in line, and his lobster dinner. Basically, the rich, who can live in the vacation town all year long, against the 40plus hour a week white collar worker who can only rent a condo for a couple of weeks in the nice vacation area.

*Rip Torn is a pirate in a rundown dive bar / Captain D's

*John Candy is one of those take all kinds of crap dads on a vacation from hell.

*J.G. Wentworth sure likes bad opera singing and people yelling out windows

*Run in with the evil Ron Reagan guy while sailing. After beach hiijinks and moving in to a crappy shack on the beach after getting kicked out of their nice condo by the real owners.

*Wife and kids go to a movie during a rainstorm, while Candy is laid up cripple after a sailing accident, and mom forgot her wallet leading to John Laroquette picking up the tickets for them and hitting on mom.

*John Candy's character should just kill himself now.

*Footloose Kevin Bacon poster on the lobby wall and teen daughter is listening to Wham! on her walkman headphones. Barf on both, but 80s nostalgia nonetheless.

*Flinstones gag where Candy gets locked outside, in the rainstorm, by his dog.

*Candy is nursing a hurt leg in a kids plastic pool while his wife is on a speedboat with a douchebag like Laroquette.

*AH, his luck might have changed for the better? The bikini beach bimbo shows up on his sandy lawn... with pity

*Corporate America has no shortage of insipid holiday commercials. They even try to be clever about being aware of this in some of the commercials. Bill Hicks would note that they're going for the "hating the holidays" dollar.

*There's a nude boob scene that Candy gets to be in (not his boobs, thankfully) and I wonder since this is an 80s flick, even though I'm sure PG13, if there were actual boobs shown. Since it was the 80s, and 80s PG13 was edgier, I'm thinking maybe they did show naked boobs. AMC doesn't, however, 'cause it's the Holidays and we still have Pilgrim and Puritan overlords and Santa watches everything.

*The 80s version of Larry the Cable guy has taken over Candy's bed, and taken up with his dog, while watching the Smurfs, during a beach bum party takeover of Candy's vacation house. It happens when Candy is next door checking out the neighbor's brand new boob job.

*Rip Torn and John Candy have a drunken debate. Who's tougher? Jimmy Cagney or Sylvester Stallone

*Ron Reagan voter is signing business papers on the coffin of Candy's condo's former owner. Uh, oh, 'cause Candy has shown up in beach shorts and a white sports coat at the funeral home. Candy's being evicted. Lesson: don't rub the rich the wrong way.

*Crooked rich guy's boat is called "The Incisor."

*As per requirement for all Summer fun movies, there's a challenge thrown down between the good guys of Candy's / Rip Torn's haggard pirate beach bums and the yuppie rich sailor who happens to be Candy's evil landlord. It's a sail off. Winner takes all.

*Candy's clan wins the battle of waves.

*Whatever happened to the Laroquette and Candy's wife subplot? Who cares....

*This movie just isn't as satisfying as Chevy's Summer vacation, though it had some decent moments. Sick of Chevy's Summer vacation, however, and never need to see it again. Ever. Cable has played it so much it feels like the other 9 months of the year and not a vacation at all.

2 1/2 stars for the movie 1 1/2 stars for the ads

-----------------------------------------

Northern Exposure: Sex, Lies, and Ed's Tape *A high concept man with his head on the bar.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Alaska *Where one's pee turns instantly into a popsicle.* close to 3 stars

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Maktar: A group of kids are playing flashlight tag, on the lawn, one Summer night. The light somehow shoots through the cosmos and is received as an act of war by a planet of oddball as well as kaiju controlling aliens.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Test Drive: Some white trash teens find a Transformer type robot in a junkyard and rebuild it. A zero suit Samus chick, from the future, arrives to reclaim it, and they aid her in a smackdown to stop aliens from destroying earth.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----------------------------

USA UP All Night with Rhonda Shear: Beach Fever & Nightmare Sisters (1992)

Host segments for Beach Fever:

*Ritzy, early 90s UP All Night has just as good an opening video as Saturday Night Live, of the same time period, had.

*Rhonda thinks Beach Fever has feminist vibes because it has bikini babes relaxing and enjoying themselves on the beach while also karate kicking dudes in the neck

*Viewer mail: A guy named Ralph wants to exchange footcream in order to see Rhonda wiggle her toes in cheesecake. Rhonda shows off her comedic chops (which would sound surprisingly good to some, and they are) when she impersonates a New Yawk advice columnist, looking like the receptionist of Ghostbusters, complete in red wig. Reading a letter from a lady whose son is wearing her panties. Ha.

*More viewer mail: Rhonda reads a letter, while stretched out in a red miniskirt on a white bed, from the president of the "foot fetish society of America."

*Rhonda writes her wishlist to Santa while the rockabilly classic "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" plays in the background

*A viewer writes in to tell Rhonda how he and his wife, inspired by Rhonda's succulent cheesecake covered toes, took a chocolate pie to bed. Kinky weirdos, but fun anyway

*More letters rolling in prove the value of old school late night movie hosts. People are not watching for the subpar flicks, they're watching for an entertaining host. If more networks still did this, they'd get more value out of their late night tv library & ads.

*Other viewers write in to USA network wanting them to put that "space mutant" Gilbert Gotfried off of the other late night hosting spot and send him to where he belongs, "SciFi" network, instead. Ha.

Beach Fever:

*Kato Kaelin and not Jackie Chan have beach high jinks against pimps/pushers, muscleheads, and sexual zombies.*

USA UP All Night Late Night Advertisements:

*A yuppie douchebag is tired of being alone at night and having horny air bubble thoughts pop up above his empty head. So, he spends a dollar a minute to call up "Singles Connection Hotline." next thing you know, he's dry humping bimbos on the dancefloor, just like his pal.

*Lonely gals and guys call "Phone Partners" for 99 cents a minute and find friends in the same town or across the country. Social networking difficult back then. More saxophone soothing, but expensive.

*Call the "Mind Maze" for 5 bucks a minute (wow, expensive!) and get X-Files esque phone sex, I guess, with a creepy guy back lit by what I'm guessing is an alien searchlight peeping through your closed blinds. Creepy.

*TeleFriend. For 4.99 a minute, you too can have a female "friend" to talk to.

Host Segments for Nightmare Sisters:

*A viewer is mad that "Macho Man" Randy Savage touched Rhonda, on a previous night's UP All Night, and the viewer crushed his beer can, spilling suds, in a rage. Ha.

"Nightmare Sisters" starring Linnea Quigley (1988):

*Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama meets Revenge of the Nerds. This time with succubus and a decapitated genie's head, named Dukey Flyswatter, in a crystal ball.*

3 stars for Rhonda close to 2 1/2 stars the advertisements close to 2 stars for Beach Fever and close to 3 stars for Nightmare Sisters

--------------------------------------

Erwin C. Dietrich's "High Test Girls" (1980) *In a picturesque European village nestled in the mountains, six scandalous Swedish sweeties service a softcore-sex-soaked gas station / grotto. Sex antics with plenty of tongue in cheek humor.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"High Kicks" (1993) *Jean Claude Van Damme meets Tommy Wiseau, without enough awkwardness to warrant a cult following or even viewing. A toothless & bloodless attempt at rape-revenge exploitation. Shot on video at Venice Beach. A mullet hairdo sporting Patrick Swayze type zen martial artist / drifter (private pleasure sailor) helps an aerobics chick learn basic self defense to fend off a haggard gang of goofy stereotypes. One villain sounds/looks like Artie from Howard Stern's Show, another acts all Carlos Mencia, there's even a Fat Albert body double, and the required Asian kung fu gangbanger.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---- Red Letter Media.com presents Best of the Worst:

*Lady Terminator: Skanky Lara Croft has her vagina possessed by a snake goddess and becomes a Lady Terminator. Makes about as much sense as Terminator Genisys.* close to 2 stars

*Lost In Dinosaur World: A kid friendly, and painfully boring, 90s Jurassic Park cash in and half assed attempt at advertising for a theme park full of barely mobile animatronic dinosaurs.* 1/2 a star

*Low Blow: A kung fu Charles Bronson wannabe, who's inept and elderly, versus a could-not-care-any-less cult leader.* 2 stars barely

Red Letter gives a tie for best between Lady T. and Low. B. Lost in Dinosaur World gets melted by a hot iron.

--------------------------------

1201Beyond.com presents Riff You A New One: Raiders of Atlantis *"I downloaded a copy of a mustache." I don't know what that means, but I think it pretty much sums up watching this flick. It's an Italian exploitation mixture of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Miami Vice, A-Team, Road Warrior, Gilligan's Island, and Fulci's Zombie.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without riffing

"Asylum For Shut Ins: Video Psychotherapy" (2004) *A twisted, beatnik(?) ventriloquist dummy screws with the viewer's head for watching clips of screaming scream queens, acts of depravity, and horror gore. Often repetitive and headache inducing.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star down to zero

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Goes Noodling In Oklahoma *Savoring "gettin' some!"* 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: Episode 1 (1985) *Jack Palance pisses up a rope.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Obscurus Lupa presents: Gymkata *The Cold War had everyone olympics caliber athletics crazed. Beating Ivan Drago, having a Miracle on Ice, or scoring high in Tetris meant something. So much that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars nuclear program depended on the C.I.A. getting a gymnast into a Soviet neighbor backwoods inbred country's Ninja Warrior obstacles of death challenge in a Eastern European forest. The winner getting one wish. Ronald Reagan used that wish to launch a laser sky cannon and crumbled the Berlin Wall.* 2 stars for the flick and 2 stars for the fun review

Forever Knight: Dying To Know You *A psychic gets a little too close to the fire trying to fly with a vampire. I miss how 70s, 80s, and 90s action dramas would always end with lite humor, despite having a heavy story to the show. In this episode, a police psychic gets killed in the line of duty, after getting personal with our hero. He broods about it during a thunderstorm, and then the episode ends with the four lead cops having a laugh about protein shakes and tofu burgers on their lunch break. Game of Thrones and others should try this. *wink* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: I Never Promised You A Rose Marvin *This town might be more corrupt than Gotham. There's a bully SWAT team with a tank for a toy. Corrupt politicians try to cover up their crimes using corrupt high ranking police. And kooky doctors think that dangerous mental patients are just misunderstood and shouldn't be behind bars. Lucky for everyone, there are more than a few James Gordon quality cops down at the Hill Street precinct.* 3 stars

Viper: The Face *Suffers from the flaw of many movies and tv shows of the time period. Too much emphasis is placed on the comic relief and it gets in the way of the plot. That being a noble ex-con stuck between a rock and a hard place.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Samurai Cop" (1989) *Set in a bizarre alternate universe where Tommy Wiseau makes Tony Scott style action movies. Three things that no one would have thought would go together so sweetly: buddy action comedy, softcore porn scenes, and Japanese warrior code.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Even More Proof - Swords and Blowguns: Tips on how to have unsafe fun with deadly weapons for sale from the same guy giving the tips.* 1 star

*Hair Again: A picture of someone, with hair, is worth a thousand words, but the same picture, with someone wearing a wig, is pretty much worthless.* 3 stars

*How To Be A Real Man: Banditos get loco for HeyZeus.* 3 stars

*Star Search Audition - Nick Gomez: Carlos Mencia would have gotten zero stars on Star Search.*

*Video Guide to Successful Seduction: "Plan something different." "In public." Do it in public...* 3 stars

----------------

Max Headroom: Lessons *They're censoring Sesame Street.* 2 1/2 stars

1201Beyond.com presents Channel 32 Bloopers (1989) *Hijinks from a local t.v. station in the Midwest. It's always the businessman, who's too inept to be his own commercial spokesman, that steals the show. See also: Punch Drunk Love's "Mattress Man" plus the internet legend "Winnebago Man."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Broadcast Babes" ---XXX--- (1985) *So, big haired (also boobed) lady, you wanna be be a glamorous news reporter mindlessly reading teleprompter info about family housefire deaths and funning it up with the weather guy? Well, first, you gotta lay it all out, on the casting couch, with Ron Jeremy's wiener cousin.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Future Schlock Vol. 1 *"It literally takes you to Funky Town." "My dad lives in a downtown hotel." "Girls like guys who get high." A mixtape with just the right amount of attention deficit disorder.* 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Caverns of Chaos *Trust sprouts from bitter roots.* 3 stars

Look Around You: Health *"Between you and me, I wish I had never gotten out of bed this morning." That was before meeting MediBot. A 1950s sci fi style robot & mobile surgeon.* 2 1/2 stars

---- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Soylent Green w/commentary from director Fleischer

*Talk about how this was an early environmental film in a dirty decade, the 1970s.

*New York has a population, here in 2020, of 40 million people. There's mass overcrowding and a huge divide between the the have(s) and those who have not.

*Romero would take this timeless, universal notion and apply it during the Bush Jr. years in Land of the Dead.

*Total dystopia happening here.

*When society is hanging on by a thread, women become property. It always happens.

*Joe Bob loves Chuck Heston in this flick. He thinks he's nasty and tough in a harsh setting. Joe Bob hates cutesy sci fi flicks. The ugliness of this one appeals to Joe Bob as he stands in front of kitschy, skull trailer decorations.

*You know it's a heavy film when Edward G. Robinson is crying over vegetables, because he hasn't seen any since his youth due to crop shortages and world starvation.

*A lot of social barriers have had to come down, due to circumstance, in this movie's world, but still armed men have to loom over like Hendrix's song "Watchtower."

*Joe Bob tells his audience to slow down and accept the slow pace of the film.

*Poetic dinner scene where Robinson gets to introduce Heston's character to a meal that he's never had before.

*Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, this flick... Heston was the king of thought provoking mainstream 70s sci fi

*150 bucks a jar strawberry jam on a spoon, from a suspect's kitchen, retrieved by the cop character of Heston. It's part of the plot and another scary, little aspect of the flick that really needs to be noted. In our real life, the prices of certain foods are always fluctuating depending on some issue. Right now eggs have gone up because of a bird epidemic, last year it was pork for similar reasons. This film is all too real.

*Heston's character is our hero, but, as noted by the director, he's lacking some of the more noble qualities of Robinson's older character who saw more earlier brighter days. This is saying that we're preparing a world for future generations, through our ignorance and arrogance and destructive deeds, where they'll have less and less humanity.

*Joe Bob, in character maybe, is getting bored with the film and thinks it needs a lesbo orgy. Maybe he thinks this will be above the heads of most of the drunk, late night TNT crowd.

*Chuck interrupts a lounge full of sexy ladies, and bums a drink and a smoke from one of them noting, "If I had money, I would smoke 2 or 3 of these everyday." In the seventies that would be a joke for different reasons than it is now. Back then, smokes were cheap, but now, he's right, you would be lucky to afford a pack a day, and soon it will probably be the way it is in this movie.

*Noting that the female character is nothing more than sexy dressing to the scenes and the lives of the men. Like sleak 70s furniture. Kind of like the whores in Game of Thrones.

*Joe Bob points out that Chuck is a feminist because he wanted the female lead to show angst about her situation in life, before taking her to bed. Ha. Touche.

*In this next scene, the governor of New York is taking his family to see the one tree in the state in a hothouse. In current, real news, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, took his family on the parade route of the Rose Parade through downtown Portland after a vicious homeless sweep to get the homeless off the streets so they wouldn't be an ugly reminder during the pretty parade.

*The director is commenting that there is no middle class in this movie. Only the very rich and the very poor. Again, it's where we're heading as a society.

*Joe Bob points out how the police, govt, and the rich would love to use bulldozer garbage trucks to scoop protesters off the street. Wouldn't they!

*One of the first movies to tell the truth of corporations being the new evil of society.

*Another scary dilemma of society in this movie, and possibly where we're heading with governments wanting to take internet freedoms and rights to share dissent away, the small group of humanitarian people are gathered in the one remaining library to read what information that they have left and maybe get down to finding out what the Soylent corporation is truly up to. Modern corporations would love to take our ability away and make us not be able to know what they're up to.

*The euthanization sequence with the sterile setting and the pretty music and pictures. I think it says something about 21st century people and our veal calf lives of pleasure.

*A classic gloom & doom tale about global warming and corporate greed.

*And remember, Chef Boyardee is Soylent Green.

*We end with Joe Bob talking about the next flick, on Monstervision, the Legend of Boggy Creek. And how the director was meticulous about detailing the true accounts of Bigfoot in a Texas/Arkansas swamp. This film was made around the same time as Soylent Green. Again, fast forward to modern day, we have real global issues happening in the world, and corporate channels like AnimalPlanet waste time and viewers' attention on shows like "Finding Bigfoot." History will repeat itself until the apocalypse.

3 stars for Soylent (the movie, not the product) close to 3 stars for the director and actress commentary and more than 2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob

---------------------------------------

TV CARNAGE:

*Keep on rocking forever baby boomers!: Roll on with that broken hip. You have medicare.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gullible as shit: Believe anything a trio of Asian gangbanging greasers have to tell you.* close to 2 stars

*Need my medicine: Benji, the dog, and Chuck Norris on a drug bust.* between 2 and 2 1/2

*Mighty Fine Man: You Pay TOO MUCH!* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Pay day: Don't be nervous, 'cause you're gettin' laid.* 1 1/2 stars

---------------------------

Six Feet Under: The Foot *And a heavy hand. I'm once again starting not to like any of these characters (except for the cop; as a person).* close to 2 1/2 stars (biased rating not reflecting quality)

Spicy City: Sex Drive *A Sin City Marv type butts heads with his cop partner. A real crooked dame.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Milk is sweet, bro: The cream always rises to the top. So, chew your cud, bud.* 3 stars

*Vitamix - Catch the Vision!: It takes 3 seconds to grind meat and dust mite feces.* 3 stars

*Woman versus computer!: You've pushed the wrong button, bitch!* 3 stars

*BUBBLES!: "They're your friends." If you get high a lot and talk to puppets. It helps.* 2 1/2 stars

*It all ends soon!: Feral agony.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------

"Blue Ice" ---xxx--- (1985) *Nazi exploitation mixed into a noir San Francisco setting. Spliced together with so much grit that one would believe they're back in the 70s at some 42nd St. New York grindhouse theater watching it.* close to 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*The power of the Dark Lord: to create zany mishaps at church.* close to 3 stars

*God bless America: that old soft shoe soul of a nation.* 2 1/2 stars

*Real men meow: it's okay to admit it and to be timid about it.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: EZ-Mart Hostages vs. Woman with Rifle *Shoppers, redneck cops, & even the gun wielding psycho lady are all saved by a vigilante, female impersonator.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Bad Movie Beatdown: Just Go With It *An angry British guy takes a very anal (no Adam Sandler potty humor pun intended) look at another awful Adam Sandler effort. Just go with it. Lazy, uninspired filmmaking. Just go with it. Awful, horrible people celebrated. Just go with it. Rampant product placement inside the film. Just go with it. The very opposite of funny in a comedy. Just go with it. Movie studios and ticket purchasers paying for millions of dollars exotic vacation for Adam Sandler and his friends in place of an actual movie. Just go with it. And they go.* zero stars for the movie & 2 1/2 stars for the review

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horror of Party Beach *"The day the mudskippers fought back."* 3 stars with riffing & running from close to 2 stars to close to 2 1/2 stars without riffing

A Haunting: A Haunting In Florida *Home ownership is hair-raising anxiety. Especially on sacred swampland once belonging to Native Americans.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Beach MTV w/ Antonio Sabato, Jr. & Daisy Fuentes (1995):

*I used to have a teenage crush on Daisy.

*Antonio is wearing overalls and a wife beater. Douchebag attire.

*Before social media, everyone loved giving shout outs, especially from the beach.

*Stupid human tricks... First is a back-hand-spring, which is stupid, according to MTV, even though gymnastics takes a lot of talent, dedication, & training.

*Promo for the 1995 MTV Movie Awards hosted by Courtney Cox & Jon Lovitz (Odd couple there) with guests - A Baldwin (not Alec), Cindy Crawford, still a druggie & not an Iron Man Robert Downey Jr., Ice T & Chris Isaak, still an A-list actor Val Kilmer, and america's sweetheart of the time Alicia Silverstone. Performances by Boyz 2 Men, Blues Traveller, TLC & More...

*MTV is sponsored by Sunkist soda, a soda to drink outside, so they claim. Plus there's Eagle Snacks "What You Feed Your Face." (That sounds like a corporate slogan from the world of Mike Judge's Idiocracy).

*A Gen-X couple are on a jungle safari with Jolly Ranchers juicy candy and end up in a jolly rancher candy controlled temple

*"Drink in the waves! Ay! Drink everyone! huh!" A Sunkist commercial with beach party animals pounding 3 liter soda in the surf and dancing around with cases of Sunkist soda. If it was that popular, why is it so obscure now, and rarely seen on store shelves or on tv ads?

*An awesomely surreal Eagle chips ad where a guy scares off his hot date, because he has a creepy, chip munching face in his kitchen cabinets.

*Nothing says "fun in the sun" like a MTV artsy station logo reminder featuring a skeletal, black bird poking blood out of a still beating x-ray of a heart with white background.

*Next week MTV becomes MJTV as Michael Jackson takes over leading up to the premier of he and Janet's Scream video. Scream sucked, but they're also gonna show Thriller. Young ones don't get how big a deal Thriller was. They only played it on special days. There was no Youtube to go watch it on like any video ever. You could maybe own a VHS copy of it, but if you were just casually interested in seeing it, you had to wait.

*"You think you've heard it all? Listen to this!" Blockbuster is holding a sale for all their cd's for $11.99 or less. Even hot & new band Hootie and the Blowfish

*"What do you want?" "BROWNIES!" Duncan Hines "Hot Stuff" Pot sold separately.

*Visa, it's everywhere you want to be. Including the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway

*Arthouse ad for Nike & supposedly the Boys & Girls Club featuring Penny Hardaway's hoop dreams and struggles.

*A year after Kurt Cobain's suicide. Gen X can't mourn forever. So, here we are in South Beach, Miami. Woooooooooo! No more rainy Seattle

*Couples challenge... where a buff Guido (the type who'd get their own MTV show a decade later) guesses that a timid beach-babe looks up to Madonna (no duh! amirite, my sistaz?!) and they are pronounced "hot" by hooting admirers and get to "hook up."

*99 cent Batman Forever collectible glasses with carved images of Jim Carey's Riddler and other characters from the Summer blockbuster are available at McDonalds

*Bass Bomb 1-3 mix cd's from THUMP Records

*MTV News break... someday MSNBC news lady, Alison Stewart, talks about Eddie Vedder having to cancel a concert. Now she's pimping Hillary instead of Eddie

*Antonio & Daisy name drop how cool Dennis Hopper is for some reason. I agree. Can't imagine modern MTV personalities namedropping a badass actor over 40 much less 50

*It's also strange to look back at the era of MTV video disc jockeys. They've gone the way of the dinosaur. Maybe some other music channels still have them, but they're gone from basic cable music channels (which I still have). If you can call them music channels.

*Now, MTV is reality tv and MTV2 (which was supposed to take over as an all music channel when MTV began running mostly shows)... MTV2 is the Wayans Bros. & Martin Lawrence sitcom marathon station. Why this channel programs like this, and is able to survive, is beyond me

*Odd juxtaposition by MTV creative as we go to break with Ice Cube & Dr. Dre's hit song Natural Born Killers booming over images of beach hotties swimming underwater

*Launch Media interactive CD-Rom ad featuring a rip off of the rambling Aussie roadie from Wayne's World

*McDonald's superhero burger. It's what vigilantes obssessed with their parents' deaths eat while crying in their car after breaking a mugger's arm in three places

*Punk show 95, in Long Beach, featuring Sublime, among others, and a lazer light show. I didn't know punks liked that sort of shit. Thought it was only hippies.

*Six Flags Hurricane Harbor water park. I wonder if guys with fake Jamaican accents ever get tired of promoting the fun of whitebread families in vacation commercials

*Someone must have flipped the channel on this tape, because there's an ad for Dr. Katz. Man, I miss Penn as the voice of Comedy Central.

*TIMM, the interactive multi-media monitor for a computer. It even comes with a remote for dummies. Seems silly, but now there's netflix, hulu, xbox live, Twitch, all these apps we pretty much use on our tv in a similar fashion. TIMM might not have caught on, but the idea eventually would.

*One of the Friends (the one with the monkey) signs up for AT&T long distance savings and flirts, nervously, with the tele-services lady. Lame.

*John Madden is a wizard ogre who can make jocks' feet catch on fire if they don't use his foot fungus healing potion.

*A male hotbody contest followed by a Bryan Adams music video. MTV, barf inducing.

*MTV News Break talking about the upcoming Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie interview with Diane Sawyer. Strange days, indeed.

2 1/2 stars for Daisy, 1 1/2 stars for Antonio, 1 star for MTV, zero stars for those beach goers, and close to 3 stars for the goofy commercials

-----------------------

Deadpit.com presents Retro Wrestling Night: WCW Beach Blast 1993 (a review) *Just two Kentucky guys talking about wrestling, while in a bedroom, just in their socks.* 2 stars or zero stars for the zero production values and shaky camcorder recording

Predator in Mortal Kombat X (2015) *Whoda thunk that a monster/alien from an 80s action movie would endure interest for two decades? While lesser creatures from the likes of Independence Day & Battlefield Earth reside in purgatory, this ugly son of a bitch creeps through the collective horror / sci fi fan subconscious. Collecting trophy skulls from popular video game characters, like Johnny Cage, and having horror fan dream-match battles versus Jason Vorhees.* 3 stars

"The Slayer" (1982) -uncut- *Edvard Munch paints a portrait of Freddy Krueger.* 3 stars

TV Carnage: Ouch Television My Brain Hurts *"3 weeks ago I was running for president. Now I'm on t.v. with a guy in a bug suit."* close to 3 stars

Red Letter Media presents Scientist Man Explains Terminator Genisys *Marky Mark escapes the ape planet and his tardis crashlands on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during President Biff Tanner's 2017 inaugural speech. Meanwhile, in the crowd, Travis Bickle bumps into Morpheus who hands him the remote from Adam Sandler's movie Click. He uses it to pause the actors, on the set of Pineapple Express, in 2007(?), while they're having an existential high moment. Therefore, Rise of the Planet of the Apes never happens. Or does it? Yet? Or it already has...? maybe in another timeline.* 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Church calls - Fart Demon: It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival.* close to 2 stars

*Disabled Postman: Inconvenienced by the impaired.* 2 1/2 stars

*Church prank calls - sex offenders: I'm required, by law, to tell you that I'll be there, on Sunday, in your house of worship, with my parole officer.* close to 3 stars

*Food Stamp Tacos: "Thank you for not making me any."* 2 1/2 stars

*Google streetview - There goes the neighborhood: concerns of the rich.* 2 stars

--------------------

WWF Summerslam pre-show (1989) *"A one way trip to the sun" featuring Hulkster, Tiny Lister, Macho Man, Scary Sherri, Brutus the Barber, Ravishing Rick, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Bobby the Brain, and Mean Gene. Okay, Gene looks like he'd be a better barber than Brutus would.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*God's muscle: Have you payed your protection money to the Lord or are you gonna sleep with the fishes?* close to 3 stars

*Join the military!: "I knew it was awesome, but not this awesome!"* 1 star

*Don't trust adults!: Especially the Zucchini Bros. Band.* 2 1/2 stars

*Let's get flairing!: Entertain drunks by juggling.* zero stars

*Bio-magnetic touch healing sensual rubdown: "When in doubt, just touch" the sensitive areas of naked men. "Aloha."* 3 stars

--------------------

"Super Mecha Kucha Happy Fun Monkey Bash DX Part 4" *If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, dip it in wasabi and put it back in skull.* close to 3 stars

"Summer of Tears in American Gladiators" *A sketch comedy group splice themselves into a "classic" & cheesy, reality competition.* 3 stars

"Snog Marry Avoid" season 6 episode 3 *The fashion-nightmare spawn of Boy George meet a fascist, ice-queen robot in a wardrobe.* 2 stars

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear (1992): Summer School Teachers (1974)

*Rhonda is dressed up like a sexy cowgirl at L.A. niteclub Denim & Diamonds

*This is a country/western line dancing bar around the time that "Achy Breaky Heart" (barf) was popular.

*It's nice to see Rhonda twist her hips, though

*Rhonda flirts with some big hunky urban cowboy yuppies

*Rhonda jokingly says that Ross Perot is in Summer School Teachers

*Rhonda recommends football strategy to prevent pregnancy

*Another strong women of the 1970s sex comedy from Corman's New World Pictures.

1 star for the honky tonk 2 1/2 stars for the flick and 3 stars for Rhonda

----------------------

"Summer Beach House" (1980) ---xxx--- *The thing that stands out most in this flick is the dingy yellow color scheme. It's on everything from the walls, furniture, floral bed sheet pattern, lamp shades. Nightmarishly probably still in the never redecorated homes of cat ladies, everywhere, on Dead End St. USA. In the malaise of their nicotine stained reclusive lives, they'd pull back their gown to reveal, to a stranger, a frighteningly wiry figurative pussycat. Also, I wanna comment on old school lady massagers. So white and antiseptic. Like a suppository. Now, dildos are mostly medieval looking & hot pink.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- Joe Bob's Drive-In (1991): Fred Olen Ray's Beverly Hills Vamp (1989)

*Joe Bob pontificates on what it would have been like if Wilfred Brimley & Regis Philbin, among others, had discovered America

*Drive In Totals... 9 dead bodies.. 11 breasts..

*Jerry Lewis wannabe Eddie Deezen is on the menu for fanged vixens. Highlights: dripping with love for kitschy Hollywood. Priest, producer, secretary, and butler steal the show. Deezen sucks. Bauer seduces as usual. Britt Ecklund underused. Some scenes like with the convenience store lady & motel cleaning lady felt more like the joke was our time watching was being wasted instead of the scene being funny, like it was an injoke on the set (don't do that, Fred). Tim Conway Jr., talented somewhat.

2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob (TMC didn't give him enough time to talk) & running from 1 1/2 to between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for the flick

-------------------

--- Phone Losers:

Dead Lawn Hippies: "My free speech is no to your free speech. I'm a loose cannon and into being organic." close to 3 stars

Convenience Store Confessions: Fine line between anarchy and being an asshole for no reason.* close to zero stars

FedEx Box of Ticks: "I know no one in New Mexico and I didn't order a box full of ticks." 2 stars

---------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Sante Fe, New Mexico and Colorado *Riding the sky snake while with dry sinuses.* 3 stars

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New list of Backwards CompatibleGames as of 8/23/17

A

A Kingdom for Keflings

A World of Keflings

Aegis Wing

Age of Booty

Alan Wake

Alan Wake’s American Nightmare

Alice: Madness Returns

Alien Hominid HD

Altered Beast

Anomaly Warzone Earth

Aqua

ARKANOID Live!

Army of Two

Assassin’s Creed

Assassin's Creed II

Assassin’s Creed III

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed Revelations

Assassin’s Creed® Rogue

Assault Heroes 2

Asteroids & Deluxe

Astropop

B

Battlefield Bad Co.

Batman: Arkham Origins

Babel Rising

Band of Bugs

Banjo Kazooie

Banjo Kazooie: N n B

Banjo Tooie

BattleBlock Theater

Battlefield 3™

Battlefield: Bad Co. 2

Battlestations: Midway

BAYONETTA

Beat’n Groovy

Bejeweled 2

Bejeweled 3

Bellator: MMA Onslaught

Beyond Good & Evil HD

Bionic Commando Rearmed 2

Bioshock

Bioshock 2

Bioshock Infinite

Blazing Angels

Blood Knights

Blood of the Werewolf

Bloodforge

BloodRayne: Betrayal

Blue Dragon

Bomberman Battlefest

Boom Boom Rocket

Borderlands

Borderlands 2

Bound by Flame

Braid

Brain Challenge™

Bullet Soul

Bullet Soul -Infinite Burst-

Bully: Scholarship Ed

Burnout Paradise

C

Cabela’s Alaskan Adventures

Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2013

Cabela’s Hunting Expeditions

Cabela’s Survival: SoK

Call of Duty® 2

Call of Duty® 3

Call of Duty®: Black Ops

Call of Duty®: Black Ops II

Call of Duty®: Ghosts

Call of Duty®: World at War

Call of Juarez® Gunslinger

CAPCOM ARCADE CABINET

Carcassonne

Cars 2: The Video Game

Castle Crashers

Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse

Castlestorm

Castlevania: SOTN

Catherine

Centipede & Millipede

Civilization Revolution

Comic Jumper

Comix Zone

Commaders: Attack

Condemned

Contra

Costume Quest 2

Counter-Strike: GO

Crazy Taxi

CRYSTAL DEFENDERS™

Crystal Quest

D

Disney Bolt

Deadliest Warrior

Disney Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two

Darksiders

Darksiders II

Dark Souls

Dark Void

DAYTONA USA

de Blob 2

Dead Rising 2: Case West

Dead Rising 2: Case Zero

Dead Space™

Dead Space™ 2

Dead Space™ 3

Dead Space™ Ignition

Deadliest Warrior: Legends

Deathspank T.O.V.

Defense Grid

DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION

DIG DUG

DiRT 3

DiRT Showdown

Discs of Tron

Domino Master

Doom

Doom II

DOOM 3 BFG Edition

Doritos Crash Course

Double Dragon Neon

Dragon Age: Origins

Dragon’s Lair

Duck Tales: Remastered

Duke Nukem Manhattan Project

D&D: Chronicles of Mystara

Dungeon Siege III

E

E4

Earthworm Jim HD

Earth Defense Force: IA

Eat Lead

Encleverment Experiment

Escape Dead Island

F

Fighting Vipers

F1™ 2014

Fable II

Fable III

Faery: Legends of Avalon

Fallout 3

Fallout: New Vegas

Far Cry 3

Far Cry 3® Blood Dragon

Feeding Frenzy

Feeding Frenzy 2

Final Fight: Double Impact

Flashback

FLOCK!

Forza Horizon

Foul Play

Fret Nice

Frogger

Frogger 2

Frontlines: Fuel of War

FunTown Mahjong

G

Galaga

Galaga Legions

Galaga Legions DX

GAROU -MARK OF THE WOLV

Gatling Gears

Gears of War

Gears of War 2

Gears of War 3

Gears of War: Judgment

Geometry Wars Evolved

Geometry Wars Evolved²

Geometry Wars™ 3: Dimensions Evolved

Ghostbusters

Gin Rummy

Ghostbusters: Sanctum of Slime

Golden Axe

Golf: Tee It Up!

Go! Go! Break Steady

GTA IV

Grid 2

Gripshift

Guardian Heroes (TM)

Gunstar Heroes

Guwange

Gyromancer

Gyruss

H

HALF-MINUTE HERO -Super Mega Neo-

Halo: Reach

Halo: Spartan Assault

Halo Wars

Hard Corps: Uprising

Hardwood Backgammon

Hardwood Hearts

Hardwood Spades

Harms Way

Haunted House

Heavy Weapon

Hexic 2

Hexic HD

Hitman: Absolution

Hydro Thunder

I

I am Alive™

Ikaruga

ilomilo

Injustice: Gods Among Us

Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet

Interpol

Iron Brigade

J

Jeremy McGrath’s Offroad

Jet Set Radio

Jetpac Refuelled

Joe Danger Special Edition

Joe Danger 2: The Movie

Joust

Joy Ride Turbo

JUJU

Jurassic Park: The Game

Just Cause 2

K

Kameo

Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days

Killer Is Dead

KOF2002UM

L

Lazy Raiders

Left 4 Dead

Left 4 Dead 2

LEGO Batman

LEGO® Indiana Jones™

LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean: The Video Game

LEGO Star Wars: TCS

Limbo

Lode Runner

Lost Odyssey

LUMINES LIVE!

Luxor 2

M

METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE

Madballs Babo: Invasion

Mad Tracks

Magic 2012

Mars: War Logs

Mass Effect

Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 3

Matt Hazard: BBB

Medal of Honor: Airborne

Meet the Robinsons

MEGA MAN 9

MEGA MAN 10

Metal Slug 3

Metal Slug XX

Midway Arcade Origins

Might & Magic Clash of Heroes

Military Madness

Mirror’s Edge

Missile Command

Monaco: What’s Yours is Mine

Monday Night Combat

Monkey Island: SE

Monkey Island 2: SE

MONOPOLY PLUS

MOON DIVER

Motocross Madness

Mr. DRILLER Online

Ms. Splosion Man

MS.PAC-MAN

Mutant Blobs Attack

Mutant Storm Empire

MX vs. ATV Reflex

N

N+

NEOGEO BATTLE COLISEUM

NBA JAM: On Fire Edition

NEW RALLY-X

NiGHTS into dream…

NIN2-Jump

O

Oblivion

OF: Dragon Rising

Omega Five

Operation Flashpoint: Red River

Outland

P

Pac-Man

Pac-Man C.E

PAC-MAN CE DX+

PAC-MAN MUSEUM

Peggle

Perfect Dark

Perfect Dark Zero

Phantasy Star II

Phantom Breaker: Battle Grounds

Pinball FX

Planets Under Attack

Plants vs. Zombies

Poker Smash

Portal 2

Portal: Still Alive

Prince of Persia

Pure

Putty Squad

Puzzlegeddon

Puzzle Quest

Puzzle Quest 2

Puzzle Quest Galactrix

Q

QIX ++

Quantum Conundrum

R

Radiant Silvergun

Rage

Raiden IV

Rainbow Six® Vegas

Rainbow Six® Vegas 2

Raskulls

Rayman 3 HD

Rayman® Legends

Rayman® Origins

Red Dead Redemption

Red Faction: Armageddon

Red Faction: Battlegrounds

RoboBlitz

Rocket Knight®

R-Type Dimensions

Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien

S

Screamride

SVC: ToeJam & Earl

Sacred 3

Sacred Citadel

Saints Row IV

Sam & Max Beyond Time and Space

Sam & Max Save the World

Samurai Shodown II

Scarygirl

Scrap Metal

SEGA Bass Fishing

Sega Vintage Collection: Alex Kidd & Co.

Sega Vintage Collection: Golden Axe

Sega Vintage Collection: Monster World

Sega Vintage Collection: Streets of Rage

Shadowrun

Shadow Assault/Tenchu

Shadow Complex

Shadows of the Damned

Shank™ 2

Shinobi

Shotest Shogi

Shred Nebula

Silent Hill: Downpour

Skate 3

Skullgirls

Skydive

Small Arms

Soltrio Solitaire

Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed

Sonic & Knuckles

Sonic CD

Sonic the Fighters

Sonic The Hedgehog

Sonic The Hedgehog 2

Sonic The Hedgehog 3

Sonic The Hedgehog™ 4 Episode I

Sonic The Hedgehog™ 4 Episode II

SOULCALIBUR

SoulCalibur II HD

South Park™: The Stick of Truth™

Space Ark

Space Giraffe

Space Invaders: IG

Spelunky

Splosion Man

SSX

Stacking

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II

Strania

STREET FIGHTER IV

Stuntman: Ignition

Super Meat Boy

SUPER STREETFIGHTER IV ARCADE EDITION

Supreme Commander 2

Syberia

T

The Splatters™

TEKKEN 6

Tekken Tag Tournament 2

Texas Hold’em

The Cave

The King of Fighters 98

The Maw

The Orange Box

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings

Ticket to Ride

TimeShift

Tomb Raider Underworld

Torchlight

Tour de France 2009

Tower Bloxx Deluxe

Toy Soldiers

Toy Soldiers Cold War

Trials HD

Toy Story 3

Triggerheart Exelica

Trine 2

Tron: Evolution

U

Ugly Americans: Apocalypsegeddon

Unbound Saga

V

Virtua Fighter 2

Virtua Fighter 5 Final Showdown

Virtual-On OT

Viva Piñata

Viva Piñata: Trouble in Paradise

W

Wolfenstein 3D

Word Puzzle

WOTB: Commando 3

X

XCOM®: Enemy Unknown

XCOM®: Enemy Within

Z

Zuma

Zuma's Revenge!

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Commander USA's Groovie Movies Dvd Download

Commander USA's Groovie Movies movie download

Actors:

Joni Fritz Jim Hendricks

Download Commander USA's Groovie Movies

Re: Commander USA;s Groovie Movies! Reply #15 on: May 11, 2009, 01:59:16 PM . If it;s just me, I;ll put it on the laptop (a DVD or streaming). Don;t Get Caught Alive!!! Brain Hammer;s Picks From The Crypt temporarily banned in the UK as a video nasty. With his trusty sidekick Lefty always close at hand,. The show introduced me to the old horror movies could not see anywhere. Commander USA;s Groovie Movies!Commander USA;s Groovie Movies!. /Pours one to the ground in memory of Commander USA;s homeboy, Lefty.. If there was a dark film, horror B-movie from the thirties to the eighties, then it shows Groovie film. The host, the U.S. Shock Theater was on the ABC affiliate. What did I just Watch?: Top 10: Fun Friday Night Fright Horror Movies but there is something nostalgic about the Friday Night Fright horror movie (I miss movie hosts like Elvira, Joe Bob Brigs, Dr. TEMPLE OF SCHLOCK: "Cable;s Commander USA Talks About His Video. Horror Host Graveyard: Commander USA;s Groovie Movies - Women In. Anyway, I;m watching Miami Vice Eps. He can tell us what it;s like to dream and drool of Barack all night and wake up with his wang stuck to the sheets, but he can;t do a damn thing about Iraq. . Unseen Films: The Nostradamus FilmsThese were in constant rotation in the 1980;s and 1990;s as part of the Commander USA;s Groovie Movies on the USA Network. A program that showcased classic films like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama , Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Curse of the Queerwolf, A Vampire in Burbank, and countless Troma films among their many other quality selections.. One of the movies Commander USA hosted in in 1980;s show Commander USA;s Groovie Movies was Monster Demolisher

Clair de Lune online Sharp hd More Dogs Than Bones divx

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